A Food Critic Looks at Restaurants-Do You Ever Look at Yours?

Otherwise-intelligent people who don't know any better think you have one of the cushiest jobs in the world. After all, as a restaurant operator, all you do is take an order, cook some food, and rake in the dough. No brainer, right? If they only knew the reality of your business.

The same people think I have one of the cushiest jobs in the world. As a restaurant consultant and critic I get paid to eat and later write about the experience. If they only knew the reality of my business.

But maybe I can do you some good. Let's look at restaurants from the perspective of a working food critic. Wherever I go - small, mom-and-pop ethnic restaurants, national chains, high-priced spreads, the trendy and the posh, all I want is my money's worth. I expect good food properly prepared, prices in line with the decor, and an efficient, congenial, but not patronizing staff doing its best to assure return business. That's really not much to ask. Yet, many restaurants I visit fail to meet these basic criteria.

I agree that finding good help is difficult, but successful restaurateurs know how to train staff, and offer enough inducements to keep their best people. Yet another pervasive problem I encounter is the way in which some managers show contempt: serving a shoddy product but expecting the customers not to notice. Believe me, people may be reluctant to complain, but don't think they're stupid. 

They won't return if not treated with respect. We both know that some customers can be abusive, noisy and inconsiderate, but most are not. Accordingly, why not give everyone the benefit of the doubt?

More often than I care to remember, waiters or managers have placed me on the defensive when I've tried to return something that clearly wasn't right. It's bad enough to be served a $34 veal chop with all the flavor and texture of a '49 Buick, but should I have to hire F. Lee Bailey or Rambo first if I want to return it? (That joint closed a few months later, incidentally.)

I'm always more forgiving toward a place that willingly makes up for a kitchen miscue than one that fights with its customers. In another time and place: after returning from the kitchen with a leathery chicken breast I refused to eat, a waiter said to me, "The chef stands by it and will not make you another one." When I wrote of this exchange in my review, the chef phoned to say, "If I knew it was you, I would have handled it differently." His remark was indefensible, and an insult to anyone who enters his door.

Odds are that people will have a better meal wherever the owner is routinely on-site rather than elsewhere (the previous two examples being exceptions). Too often, owners walk away from the mother ship after it becomes somewhat prosperous; leaving it in the hands of a manager who has no vested interest in the business. In this business, however, you're only as good as your last meal. If you yourselves aren't there to keep an eye on things, you've got a problem. Believe me, a little hubris goes a long way towards Chapter Eleven.

It's my job and passion to visit all kinds of restaurants. My clients and readers are not as fortunate and have to choose carefully if they want the best for their money. 

Do I have the desire or power to shut down a place? Of course not. Nobody does -- except the customer who goes away feeling ill-treated and subsequently tells 50 of his best friends about it. Herewith is the advice I give them. If they start following it en masse, a bunch of places where I've been in the past month will soon post "For Rent" signs on the door. If you look at your operation from their perspective, business should improve.

1. If you haven't been treated fairly, tell the management immediately. It's the only way they know there's a problem. They should respond favorably because they need you more than you need them.

2. Judge a place it strictly on its own merits. For example, a friend complained about the time it took to get his meal in a soul-food restaurant. So what? For a ton of fresh, delicious, homemade vittles for $7.95, who cares? But it's a crime if you're paying five times that price.

3. If you don't get exactly what you ask for, send it back without delay. Waiting till something is half-eaten before returning it is an early-bird strategy that destroys your credibility.

4. Avoid restaurants where the staff says, "Hi, my name is Scooter, I'm from Ashtabula, Ohio and I'll be your server tonight."

5. Patronize individual and family-owned restaurants. More than places that rely on volume, their repeat business depends upon high quality, carefully prepared food and personal service. If the owner doesn't care enough to be on hand, neither should you.

6. Just because a restaurant has been in business forever doesn't necessarily mean it's good. Many people patronize such places out of habit, because it's convenient or because they don't know any better.

7. If you go to a chain restaurant, remember that controlled portions are based on actuarial figures that say a six-foot man should weigh 150 pounds. Most likely, your meal was prepared in a commissary halfway across the country, delivered frozen and subsequently microwaved into submission. 

8. Don't expect good food at restaurants with a dazzling waterfront view. It's axiomatic that such places don't feel any need to serve good food. Sure enough, they don't!